This is why I'm pretty sure I'm an A$$h*le...

...and as a nice little touch of karma, nobody thinks I'm very funny.

Wow! Even in the 90's corporations were so in touch with us peasants... just look at this old training video for Wendys.

Vote for whoever the f**k you want...

I know I tend to rail against Republicans, especially when I'm at the bar, but I try to keep in mind that anyone can be bought if they're willing to take the money. Sometimes they can even be pressured to take it or fooled into thinking they don't owe anyone any favors in return. If power is shifting over to the Democratic party (and I'm fairly sure it is) you can bet that after all the bitching and moaning and social upheaval, the money will eventually follow them. Special interest groups will painfully peel themselves off Republican asses so they can turn around and start kissing up to the Democrats. And just like any of us, all that kissing up has the potential to influence their actions.

Don't get me wrong. I don't like Republicans. I F**KING HATE Tea Partiers. And I don't even really like Democrats all that much, just a little. I'm throwing my lot in with them, for now, because they haven't suffered as much corporate exposure as the Republicans. Realistically, they are the only party strong enough to challenge the corporate stranglehold on our fractured economy. So this November I'll mark the card in their favor.

Just in case anyone is listening...

Close Call

This year, Russia had the hottest July on record for over 130 years.

Here's some real photo-journalism on the matter.

Not for the faint of heart...

Lacey and I watched this video, and we agree. This is one of the most hard core things we've ever seen.



The band is Big Black, and that blood is real.

Go Ahead & Charge Right Into Hell, Dick!

There's a total Dick out here in Leesburg, stabbing people because they have a different skin color than him. I've known creeps like this who think they're doing good work in the world. In fact, I almost became one of them way back in highschool. But for me it had nothing to do with skin color. I had a much broader group in mind as my target.

From time to time I'm reminded of that part of myself that never completely died out. When I hear about someone acting out their murderous impulses it tends to make me want to do them in out of pure hatred for their stupidity. But that kind of thinking is wrong. It's the exact same kind of thinking that motivates these moron bigots to stab people.

At the same time it's not entirely correct to peace out and love everybody and everything, and anything goes... that kind of thinking will get us all killed. It's important to look darkness in the face and meet it in a balanced stance. Reserve an equal amount of love and hatred for the world around you and within you. In my experience this attitude has saved me from harm on more than a few occasions.

Oh, one more thing. About the title of this post... I don't believe in any Christian Hell. I just think that we can make our own Hell in this life if we really want to. And this guy really wants to.

Zazen (or how I sit and stare at walls)

I've heard it a lot... that when you practice zazen you must have a teacher. Nishijima and Brad Warner are my teachers... Well not in a personal way, I've only attended two whole zazen sittings in my life and both of them were with Brad, about four years ago. But I do my best to glean what I can from whatever materials they publish online and in books.



The video is of Nishijima, demonstrating zazen. I know his dictation is a bit hard to follow (at least it was for me at first), so I'll make an attempt here to transcibe what he's saying:

(indiscernible) ...when we practice zazen, we bow down to our own seat. And this salutation means the salutation for two men, on the right side and on the left side. And then turn around and bow down again. And the second salutation means the salutations for all members in the room. Then we'll sit on the cushion [the zafu] at the center, like this. And if we wear socks or such things, take them off.

First, there is the two postures of legs. The one is half-lotus posture and the other is the full lotus posture. And in the half-lotus posture we place our right leg like this and (indiscernible) this part of foot [the heel] should we touch to the cushion [the zafu]. And then, put the left leg like this. And in this case, both knees should be touched on the floor or the zabuton. This cushion is called zabuton, and both knees should be touched on the zabuton.

In the full lotus posture we (indiscernible) like this. First place the left leg like this. Then put the right leg like this. And then put the left leg like this. And this is called full lotus posture. And both the half-lotus posture and the full lotus posture are traditional. So if people are not so accustomed to the full lotus posture, to have the half lotus posture is also permissible.

The most important matter in zazen is to keep the spine straight vertically. Therefore first we straighten our lower spine, straight vertically. It is a very important point. Then, the back bones and neck bones should be also kept straight vertically. This is a very important point. Therefore, master Dogen said in Fukan-Zazen-Gi (which looks kinda like Fuckin Zazen G!), the spine should not be reclined forward or backward, or right side or left side. Keeping the spine straight vertically is the most important matter in zazen. And if we identify our spine with the line of gravity, we can identify ourselves with the universe. And in such a situation we can know what the universe is by keeping our spine straight vertically. Therefore in such meaning, the most important matter in zazen is to keep the spine straight vertically and identify our spine with the line of gravity.

The hands should be kept also in the traditional method. And, in the case of half-lotus posture and full lotus posture, the left leg is the upper. Therefore, first we put the right hand like this in front of our body. Then put the left hand on the right hand, and put the top of thumbs like this. And because of such posture, we can make the shoulders relax. So, keeping the elbow away from... seperate from the body, and to keep the arms like this is the posture of the arms.

The mouth should be closed. And the eyes should be open, naturally. In some sects they insist that the eyes should be half-closed, but according to master Dogen's instructions, he said, the eyes should be open naturally, not too wide, not too narrow. So that this is the criteria of eyes.

Our shoulders should be kept on the horizontal line, and two ears also on the horizontal line. Therefore our shoulders should not be like this (tilted left), should not be like this (tilted right) and ears should not be like this (left), should not be like this (right). To keep the shoulders in the horizontal line, and ears in the horizontal line, is a very important point.

Master Kodo Sawaki, who taught me (Nishijima) Buddhism so well, instructed that our spine should be pierced through the ceiling. So it is just the (indiscernible) expression that during zazen we should straighten the spine straight vertically, upward as if the spine pierced the ceiling.

When we degrade our posture we have a deep response, then swing the body right and left and stop the spine at the center and begin zazen.

During zazen, we need not think about anything. We need not feel anything. Just to keep the spine straight vertically is zazen. Therefore, zazen is not thinking. Zazen is not feeling. Just keeping the spine straight vertically is zazen. Therefore we can think that zazen is a kind of gymnastics without motion. And such attitude can be called act. Not thought. Not perception. But zazen is action. And Buddhist philosophy is based on the philosophy of action. Therefore, when we want to study Buddhism, first we should practice zazen. By practicing zazen we can experience the universe itself in our body and mind. We can study what the universe is. We can study what reality is. We can study what this world is. We can study what our life is. Those studies are not intellectual but practical (indiscernible). And the reason why Buddhism needs such practice comes from that Buddhism is a philosophy of act, philosophy of reality. Buddhism is just reality. And this idea is very important to study Buddhism.

I just look up from time to time and wonder... WTF dude?!

Be Quiet

Every time I ever think of something to write here on this blog I see all of my vicious, vain and intolerably frivilous, fearful thoughts bubbling to the surface. So whenever I catch myself in the act I tend to wither in my own disdain and shit-can whatever it was I was writing.

I'm not an especially unbalanced person. I've just always had a habit of writing down my most disturbing thoughts so other people could see them because I used to think they were special and interesting. But they're not. Well... maybe they're interesting, sometimes. But they're not special. Everybody has thoughts that are uniquely weird to their own interpretations of reality.

I wonder sometimes why people are even interested in other peoples blog scriblings. I read half a dozen of the thousands of messages that stream through facebook every month and for the most part I'm not really interested in any of it. But I do like to see that a lot of my old friends are out there still living lives. It's good that they have things to say.

I go through the rest of my life (outside the computerverse) in pretty much the same way. I like to see people walking around in town doing things. I like the crowds that gather at the 'Town Centers' and the parks, having random conversations with strangers. But I never have much to say to anyone. I rarely desire to speak, even to people I know well and I'm still close to.

I have developed deep everlasting friendships and then walked away. I've said I'd call and stay in touch, then never did. I've known people who I cared for who died, and I only ever felt sad for the people who felt sad about them not being around anymore. I never felt sad the way they did. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really cared at all about the ones who died.

Yet I miss my cat. I still ache when I think of how she died. Her name was Grue. And I made the decision to put her out of her misery, because she was dying of cancer. I remember feeling like I had betrayed her and betrayed Lacey, who loved her too. Because I'm the one that said it was okay to take away the rest of her life, however long or brief it might have been. I dropped her chances to zero, because I wanted her to die in numbness instead of pain.



I think that when she died some noisy selfish part of me that took life for granted died with her. But it didn't stay dead. Like a wart that wont die no matter how many times you clip it out, it keeps coming back. The difference is that now I notice it whenever it starts to show up again.

I think part of the reason I'm so much quieter than I ever used to be is that I often doubt my intentions and tend to spare you all from my stupider thoughts. Well, all except you, Lacey. And I also tend to slip up when I'm drunk. Another great reason to stop drinking.

I have a great need to be even quieter, so I might have a chance to examine end all my bad habits by seeing them for what they are. I don't want to be self absorbed anymore. I need to practice being still and being quiet.

While this doesn't completely encapsulate how I feel, it does hit on some feelings I've been having. I love my parents, and I respect the choices they have made. I am just a different person with different wants and needs.

Foghorn Leghorn is by far my favorite Looney Toon

The Way of Shadows

You know that old saying, don't judge a book by it's cover? When I first saw this book on a bookshelf at the B&N, I practically laughed at it. It just seemed to be sporting the kind of bad artwork that takes itself too seriously. I figured the writing wouldn't be any different.

I was wrong. This is a very well written book with very realistic characters in an almost living fantasy setting. Parts of it literally make me laugh and literally make me cry. I highly recommend this book which is the first book in a trilogy.

Words

Here's the truth. I spent most of my life working on the fragments of a fictional story that never had a snowballs chance in hell of becoming a solid whole. All the bad grades I made in school had alot to do with that, among other things.

This story is something I've been working on intermitently with my close friends up to this very day. It started in high school around the lunch table. The only reason I liked school at all was because I had a good chance of exchanging ideas with all my friends on a regular basis.

Since then the work on that project has dwindled, and communication with my friends has been spotty at best. And this pattern is likely to continue for years with no clear outcome in sight. I kinda saw this coming early on, and I struggled to establish a concrete plan of action with clear cut goals. But for some reason plans and goals just make me ill.

I went to college and tried to take some art classes to keep myself interested enough to get a degree. I was hoping I could use my degree to get a good job and throw some money at our cause. When that failed, I turned to business classes. I guess the idea was to learn enough about the business world to stop going to school altogether and cut right to the chase by starting my own sole proprietorship. Turns out that didn't work either.

The biggest lesson I learned in college is that SCHOOL DOESN'T TEACH ME. I can't learn effectively in that kind of structured curriculum. I learn best by interrelating many seemingly unrelated subjects, with no clear goal, according to the demands of my own unbridled interest.

That being said, I can move on and talk about what's going to happen now. I'm going to work on a business plan, my way. I'm going to pour 95% of all my creative effort into it. That means that the way I relate to my friends right now is going to change alot. The most important project in my life is now going to be MINE, and mine alone. When it's a real living breathing thing then, if I can afford to pay you all enough money to keep you around, and give you interesting enough work to keep your interest... well, we'll see.